things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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