Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
