I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
