hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
