the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
