i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
