I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
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Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
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You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
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