That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Randomize
