So drunk, too bad you don't want this
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
