I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
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