so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
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