You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
