If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
