I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
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