My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I checked into jail on foursquare
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
