my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
