I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Blood and glitter go together right?
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
i think my cat just said my name.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
