Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I think my nap took me to another dimension
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
