im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
