Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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