Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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