Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
