I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Someone came in the potted fern
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
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