I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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