come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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