He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
