3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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