He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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