Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
When are your genitals available?
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
