Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
