I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
can u get pink eye on your cock?
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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