You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
