Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
Pants 0. Shit 1.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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