I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
We were destined to go to rehab together
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
