i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
