Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
