I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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