The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
