Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
