A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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