can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
