With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
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Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
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There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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