Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
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