she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
