Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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