i just sent this text using only my big toe
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I'm both gender and math confused
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
