He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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