Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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