Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Randomize
