Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
