She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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