your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
