In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
