Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
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