Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
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