also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
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