Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
