Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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