Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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