I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
