Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
God gave him joint rollers for hands
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
