I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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